I haven’t written in the last few days out of sheer anger. After realizing that there is nothing I can do about this rage, I decided to get it out of my system and write it down. What was I so angry about? Blaming my past and where I am today is just a resentment that I do not need. I just need to let it go. Maybe discussing it on here will help eliminate the anger and I can move on. Some days I am okay with it, and other days, not so much. I’ve been blaming my illness on the loss of my business (which is another blog in itself), and the current job I have now. I would think to myself, if things happened differently, then I wouldn’t have gotten sick. If I wasn’t working in such a dump, then I wouldn’t have gotten sick. If I didn’t have my business go down the tubes (by the investor’s son taking over and making me an employee, then firing me by locking me out of the building – but that’s another blog in itself), I wouldn’t have gotten sick. Should have, could have, would have…does it really make a difference, Rob? These are just resentments which hold back my recovery.
I went back to the Neuroscience Institute on Thursday to meet with my neurologist. The only good thing that came out of the visit is that I lost 6 pounds. He informed me that my brain is not compensating as it should and to keep going to physical therapy. I have to admit that I haven’t been doing my exercises at home like I should. By the time I get finished with my two jobs at night, I am beat. It’s around 9:00 pm and I am just too damn tired. I have to make it happen though. I do not want to continue living with this, so I can only work at it to get better. The neurologist said, in his words, that thousands of people get this, and hundreds do not get better. You, unfortunately, are one of those people… Great! I will beat this.
Last night I went into NYC to a sober event and it was pretty loud. I still do not do well with crowds, but with all of the big changes that happened in NY on Friday, I felt the need to go and be a part of it. By the time I left the event, which was only 10:00 pm, I was walking like a bobble-head (remember, I hate those things). The medicine the neurologist put me on does help, but it makes me tired. I should have taken it before going into NYC. Live and learn…
Tomorrow another early rise. Therapy at 7… Pressing onward.